Optimus Prime

By now I am sure most of you have seen TRANSFORMERS. I saw it opening weekend at the legendary Fox Theatre in Westwood Village, Los Angeles with a great crowd. My original impression was “Wow, that is a perfect summer popcorn VFX extravaganza” and “Wait a second, did those characters just do anything that made sense?” Although I only watched it for summer popcorn purposes, I had serious problems with the film and finally sat down last night to watch it on DVD again for another go.

There are two sides to TRANSFORMERS. The first side are the Transformers themselves, their story, and the spectacle they serve. They are why people go to the movie in the first place. The other side of Transformers are the human characters. The depiction of humans, and more important the United States, in this film truly deserves examination.

Is this film conservative? Jingoistic? As we follow the Marines and the shadowy government plotline we witness several puzzling comments. How about when the hackers are analyzing the hack and someone says “Is it the Iranians?” “No, this is WAY to smart for the Iranians”. Thank you, Michael Bay, for reminding us that Iranians are primitive and cruel and that we must go to war with them. But what about our other wars going on right now? How about when Jon Voight warns “These are US Marines, losing isn’t an option.” Michael Bay clearly wants this movie to appeal to middle America, but considering the rest of the planet sees this movie and their isn’t a “Foreign Cut”, Bay has happily highlighted all the attributes about America the rest of the world hates.

Why does every black guy a fast-talking moron who still lives with his crotchety mother ? (Tyrese, you’re off the hook) First we see Bernie Mac at his car delearship in the decades most annoying character. He explains his mom lives next to his business and of coarse she gives him a middle finger from her lawn chair. Then we meet Anthony Anderson’s character, who lives at grandma’s house and they have screaming matches as well. Now for the kicker. The black Transformer, Jazz, who break dances and says “Whatup bitches”… well he is the only Autobot that dies. I suppose Michael Bay used all his black friendly storytelling on the BAD BOYS movies.

Now the ending of the film still puzzles me. They find the Allspark being hidden by Sector 7 inside the Hoover Dam next to a frozen Megatron, who came to Earth originally seeking the Allspark. The Marines come up with the brilliant idea to take the Allspark back to the city and hide it. The first brilliant idea. So after a 10 minute drive from the Hoover Dam to downtown Los Angeles, Megatron wakes up inside the Hoover Dam and boy is he pissed. He wanted that Allspark all for himself. So there’s the showdown in downtown Los Angeles… because that’s where they went to hide the Allspark. But now that they’re under attack, they give Shia the allspark to get it on a helicopter and out of the city. Did the audience really just fall for that? Let’s get the plot item and unconvincingly take it to a crowded place for the Transformers to destroy, then we’ll backtrack and have them take the item back to the desert.

So Shia climbs a building to get on a helicopter, brilliant idea again considering helicopters and F16’s are blowing up left and right because 3 of the Decepticons are fucking aerial. Megatron prevents Shia from getting on a helicopter, because he wouldn’t have been able to eat that helicopter and shit it out anyway. Optimus Prime saves Shia and make him promise to put the Allspark in his chest if he’s about to lose to Megatron so he may sacrifice himself and Megatron will never be able to reign supreme. So when the moment comes Optimus yells “Put it in my chest” so Shia puts it in Megatrons chest and he dies instead. Wait, what? Does anyone understand that? If that’s the case, they could have shoved the Allspark in Megatrons chest while they were at the Hoover Dam. Or just given it to him and his evil greed would have assumed that merging with the Allspark wouldn’t kill him but make him supreme.

I understand it is a Michael Bay film. We all know his shtick, we saw TEAM AMERICA and how they used the KILL BILL music for the montage… which Bay used in TRANSFORMERS. Or how TEAM AMERICA pokes fun at Michael Bay dialog by over-dramitically telling a civilian “You’re a soldier now! Get yourself together dammit!”… another line actually used in TRANSFORMERS. I’m a fan of that final battle in the streets. It’s the best Visual Effects and sound design you can get. But I like the plot to stand on its own. I like the characters to not be charicatures. I suppose after all my ranting, my only advice to Mr. Bay is “Michael Bay, you should stick to Michael Bay movies”